The thunder god went for a ride on his favorite filly.
"I'm Thor!" he cried.
The horse answered, "You forgot the thaddle, thilly."


The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. 
He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. 
He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel. 
"They're yours, but what are they for?" the genie asked. 
"I'm tired of walking everywhere -- I want to just ride the horse. The sumo wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse." 
"But the squirrel?" asked the genie. 
"I need something to go 'click-click' to start the horse!!!" 
A man's car stalls on a country road. When he gets out to fix it, a horse in the nearby field comes up along side the fence and leans over by him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," says the horse.
Startled, the man jumps back and runs down the road until he meets a farmer. He tells the farmer his story.
"Was it a large white horse with a black mark over the right eye?" asks the farmer.
"Yes, Yes," the man replies. 
"Oh, I wouldn't listen to her," says the farmer, "she doesn't know anything about cars."
"Mother", said a little boy after coming from a walk. "I've seen a man who makes horses."
"Are you sure?" asked his mother.
"Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet."
A horseback riding trip had been orgainzed and everyone was going through the orientation, i.e. "anyone ever ridden (seen?) a horse before?", etc. 

Everyone's told: "It's simple. The horses are all neck rein trained. Hold the reins in one hand. To turn left, move the reins left. To turn right, move the reins right. If you pull back on the reins, the horse will slow down, then back up. To make the horse go, kick gently." 

At this point, someone exclaims: "Oh, I get it, it's a point and kick user interface."
A proof that a horse has an infinite number of legs:

By inspection and symmetry we see that a horse has an even number of legs.
However, when we count them, we see he has two legs in the back and forelegs in the front, which is a total of six legs.
Six is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. 
The only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 
Therefore, a horse has an infinite number of legs.
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness...the store manager came and unplugged it!


I went riding today.
Sure. It came back before I did.
A certain king was angry with one of his lords and put him in prison. Wanting to keep him there, the king said he would only set him free if the lord could find and bring to court a horse which was neither gray nor black, brown nor bay, white nor roan, dun, chestnut, nor piebald -- in short, the king enumerated every possible color a horse could be.The imprisoned lord promised to get such a horse if the king would set him free at once. As soon as he was given his liberty, the lord asked the king to send a groom for the horse, but begged that the groom might come neither on Monday nor Tuesday, Wednesday nor Thursday, Friday, Saturday, nor Sunday, but on any other day of the week that suited His Majesty. 
At the post office a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it took three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed. 
The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot oldernow?"
A man decides to buy a horse, and heads down to the local used horse yard. The salesman convinces him to buy one particular horse, which appears in good condition. After he has paid his money, and is saddling up, the salesman tells him, "There's just one thing, the horse used to belong to a minister, so to make it go you have to say 'Praise the Lord', and to make it stop, you have to say 'Amen'". This doesn't seem too much of a problem to the man, who mounts his latest acquisition, and shouts, "Praise the Lord", at which the horse trots out the gate and down the road. The man decides to take his horse for a long ride, and heads out of town and into the hills. Suddenly he realizes he is heading for the top of a cliff and panics. "Whoa, stop!!!", he yells, and of course the horse ignores him, and actually speeds up. Now dangerously close to the edge, he contemplates jumping from the horse, which shows no indication of slowing or turning. At the last possible moment, the man remembers the salesman's words, and shouts "Amen!". The horse instantly stops in its tracks, right on the brink of the cliff, sending a shower of stones clattering the hundreds of meters to the bottom. The man pulls out a handkerchief, wipes the sweat from his brow, looks up, and says, "Praise the Lord...."


Riding Instructor: Why did you fall off your horse?
Class Clown: I was demonstrating the law of gravity.
I used to have a riding academy...
but business kept falling off.
Novice: My horse wanted to go one way and I wanted the to go the other.
Instructor: What happened?
Novice: He tossed me for it.
Instructor: Can you you ride a horse?
Novice: Don't know. Couldn't stay on one long enough to find out.

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become ... a real night mare.

The horse which I bought from you died.
What?! He never done that before.
Did you hear about the Irishman whose horse kicked up and caught his foot in the stirrup. "Arrah!' said he. 'If you are going to get on, I will get off.'"


Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race. The horse won easily and paid a whopping price. 
The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner. "Is this horse unsound?" they asked.
"Not a bit," said the owner.
"In that case," asked the stewards, "why have you never raced him before?"
"Mister," said the man from Idaho, "we couldn't even catch the critter until he was five years old."
A man wakes up in the morning and it is 5:55 a.m. The temperature is 55 degrees and the humidity is 55%. He turns on his TV to channel 5. He gets up and it is may 5th. he heads to work and his car has 55,555.5 miles on the odometer. He gets to work goes to the 5th floor. He has five messages. IT DAWNS ON HIM. He rushes to the race track. His ticket is $5 and he is put in section 5, row 5, seat 5. In the fifth race is a horse called, "Double Nickels". He understands fate as spoken. He bets his entire bank account and maxes all credit cards. The race is won... DOUBLE NICKELS CAME IN FIFTH. 
There once was a race horse
That won great fame.
Was the horse's name.
The cowboy rushed into to saloon yelling, "All right, who's the wise guy that painted my horse yellow?"
There was silence in the saloon.
"'Fess up if you dare," shouted the cowboy.
With that, the biggest, meanest-looking hombre he had ever seen got up from one of the tables, rested his hands on his gun handles and coolly stated, "I did, whaddaya want to tell me?"
The cowboy looked up and down at this terrifying figure, swallowd hard and replied, "Just thought you'd like to know, the first coat's dry!"
Tenderfoot: How do you lead a wild stallion?
Cowboy; It's simple. First you get a rope. Then you tie it to the wild stallion.
Tenderfoot: And then?
Cowboy: And then you find out where the wild stallion wants to go.
A cowboy goes into a saloon, has a drink, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the saloon, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you thieves stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more drink and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna haf to do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another drink, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the saloon and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I hadda walk home."


Little Susie was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guests came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing. "Susie," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place." "I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy says . . . he always eats like a horse!"


How do you......
induce labor in a mare? Take a nap. 
cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer. 
cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class. 
get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class. 
get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water. 
get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show. 
get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall. 
make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals. 
get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is a round to see him.
induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse. 
make it rain? Mow a field of hay. 
make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.


One day a man that had horses went to check on his favorite one. He was in for a shock, and as he opened the stall door, he saw the horse was rabid and foaming at the mouth. It louged at him, and, very quickly, gave him a nasty wound on the arm. His wife left to call 911, and when she got back she found him writing furiously. She told him that there was no need to make out his will, because they had a cure for rabies. He looked at her blankly and said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite." 

Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed. The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance: no foot, no horse!" The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with and I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!" The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected..." 
A mean school principal who rides on weekends went into a tack store and asked for one spur. "One spur?" said the store owner, "Surely you mean two spurs?" "No," said the principal, "Just one will do. If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it." 
Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" she bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"